First Year of Marriage Learnings
My husband and I have grown so much in our years of partnership, but particularly since we entered into the lifelong commitment of marriage just over a year ago. Now that we are in our second year of marriage, I have been reflecting on what I learned in my first full year as a wife. If you are a newlywed, or in a romantic partnerships of any kind, I hope you find these tidbits helpful to keep your connection strong and sustainable for many years to come.
Don’t forget to date.
We own a house, we both work full-time, we have a dog, we have responsibilities. It is easy to feel like we have time together constantly because we live together and both work from home. But non-intentional time together, what I call passive time, where you are just in the house, walking the dog, making breakfast side by side, is not the same as active, conscious time together. The best way to make that intentional and special time? Go on regular dates! Just because you are married does not mean dating stops. Enjoy time away from your house without the normal distractions of daily life. You probably have favorite restaurants you love to go to together, along with favorite hobbies you did when you were first falling in love. Make time for them regularly.
Some of our favorites: go on a new hiking trail and leave our phones in the car. Get dressed up and have a nice dinner on a rooftop downtown. Spend an afternoon at a local brewery.
Time alone is still essential.
I love my husband more than anyone, and part of the reason I knew he was the right person for me is because I virtually never tire of being around him, talking to him, connecting with him. Time alone is still essential though for our own reflection and rejuvenation, and needing it is not offensive. We all need moments to be with our own thoughts, to watch a show that our partner won’t watch, to make a meal that your partner doesn’t like to eat, to just be us in our own little worlds.
Don’t just wait for one of you to have a work trip or a bachelor(ette) party so the other one can have some alone time. Build it into your lives. Choose to go for a solo hike some mornings. Go out individually with your friends. Be in different rooms of the house. Even with all of your time together, make sure there is time alone, too.
Communicate more than you ever thought you needed to.
If there is one thing marriage has taught me the most it is that communication is key. Even if you and your partner have been together for a long time, try not to assume you know what the other person is thinking/feeling/needing. Ask. Check in. Share. Let each other in, even when it feel scary and vulnerable.
Most disagreements my husband and I have had could have been prevented by communicating better in the first place. So speak up and share what is going on for you, and make sure to ask what is going on for your partner. No topic is off-limits. Talk about it all, all the time.
Make your own traditions.
One of my favorite parts about marriage is building our own family, and with that comes our own traditions. I have really loved adopting some of the traditions that Michael’s was raised with, and have also found it really special to introduce him to some that I grew up with. Marriage is a melding of two families, but don’t forget you are a new family now too. Try establishing some of your own traditions that are just yours.
Here are some of our traditions: we reread our wedding vows to each other on our wedding anniversary, we leave notes for each other when one of us goes on a trip, and we celebrate birthdays by reflecting and sharing our roses and thorns for the year.
Put your marriage first.
I know it might seem obvious, but especially when you are merging lives for the first time it is an adjustment to always put your marriage first in a really conscious way. You and your partner are the core. The core of your decisions, your priorities, your energy. Of course other people are important to both of you, but nobody is more important than each other. Sometimes that means making decisions that displease other people for the sake of protecting and prioritizing each other and your relationship. It’s worth it. A marriage is a sacred thing, and it deserves and needs to be number one for both of you.