34 Things I've Learned at 34
1 - If you have been thinking about doing something for a long time, do it.
I went back to graduate school for counseling last year after an 11 year school hiatus. It has been so fulfilling. I’ve wanted to go back to school to become a therapist for years. If there is something like this in your life that you have been thinking about for a while, take the leap.
2 - Move your body everyday.
I don’t want to sound too dramatic about aging at 34 because I know my 64-year-old self will kick me someday, but our bodies do not rebound the same as we get older. I find myself with more pain and stiffness than I have ever had. What’s the antidote? Movement. Move for your mental, physical, and emotional health. Walk, run, ride, paddle, ski, stretch, flow, just move.
3 - Your body knows when it is time to rest. It is your job to listen to it.
It is not worth it to overrule being tired or depleted. Continuously pushing through leads to burnout, or worse. Listen to the signals your body gives you and let it recharge.
4 - Choose to be around people who are kind.
Whether you are 14 or 34 or 64, mean girls still exist. My tolerance for cruelty is so low at this point in life. I notice how safe it feels to be around people who are kind, and now I choose friends in big part because of this trait.
5 - One of the best things you can do for yourself is to let yourself be loved.
It is easy to deflect love, compliments, acts of service, and other gestures of intimacy because of distorted thoughts of unworthiness. It can be hard to take in someone’s true love. But oh my, what a gift it is to be loved. I hope you let yourself feel it and bask in the light of someone adoring you.
6 - Never stop learning.
Whether you go back to school, go to a workshop, get a book at the library on a new topic, or watch a documentary, there are so many ways to keep learning. Continuing to expand your mind is not only fun and stimulating, it’s good for your brain to keep building new neural pathways.
7 - Explore your relationship with alcohol.
I’m not saying drink or don’t drink. I don’t know your life and what is best for you. My experience has been that drinking alcohol can be very unconscious because it is such a normalized and engrained part of our social society. I would encourage you to check in about how drinking makes you feel, how it supports or does not support you, and make conscious choices about your consumption.
8 - Travel doesn’t have to mean a big trip. Travel in your daily life.
Trying that new coffee shop, driving to the next town over for lunch, taking a different route home from work, these are all ways that you can change your environment and bring novelty to your daily experience the way that travel does, without having to take a big trip.
9 - Do not take your partner for granted.
Especially if you have been in a longer term relationship, I think it can be easy to assume that person will always be there and easy to not voice how grateful you are for them. For my husband’s birthday, I have been keeping a small notebook of all the little things he does that I appreciate and all the traits and quirks of his that I love. I am giving that to him to show that I notice and cherish him.
10 - Get serious about sun protection.
This is my old lady advice, but it is so serious. Wear sunglasses, get makeup or daily moisturizer with SPF in it, keep a hat in your car for impromptu outdoor walks. Be kind to your future self and protect yourself now from the sun.
11 - Talk about your fears.
Name it to tame it! Whatever you are afraid of, whether it be not getting a promotion, thinking you are unlovable, not wanting to die alone, or any fear that is present for you, find someone you trust to talk about it openly and vulnerably. Letting those fears linger beneath the surface without shining light on them strengthens them.
12 - Voice your needs.
Although it would be amazing if folks knew what you wanted or needed without having to tell them, people are not mind readers. Speak up for your needs, and do so unapologetically. Be your own advocate.
13 - Make sex a priority, if it’s a priority.
Everyone’s sexuality, sexual drive, and sexual needs are different. There is no right or wrong here. If sex is a priority for you, make time for it. Or make time for your own sexuality in any expression that feels true for you. If sex is an important way you connect with your partner(s) and find your own pleasure, but you never have time for it or are too distracted to be fully present during it, reevaluate and take action to carve out more space for it in your life and relationship.
14 - Be silly.
Silliness is so important and should be a part of every life stage. If we take everything seriously and only present ourselves in a composed way, we are missing out on the pleasure of the lightness that is available in the human experience. Tell jokes, be goofy, dance around, let your heart be light.
15 - Make your version of peace with your parents if possible.
I am by no means suggesting you have a relationship with an abusive parent, that you forgive and forget everything your parent has every done to you, or that you sacrifice any part of your adult identity to fit into your family of origin. Instead I offer an invitation to have the hard conversations, get therapy, set boundaries, share your feelings, or do whatever else you feel is needed to have your relationship with your parent(s) not be an unresolved thing in your life where you may place blame and lose energy. It is not serving your adult development.
16 - Write things down.
You may think you’ll remember everything, but it’s unlikely. Journaling does not have to be a daily log of everything that occurred. Find a way to keep brief records of things you want to remember. I use an app on my phone that date and time stamps entries, and I always have it with me.
17 - Take care of your inner child.
If you have not explored any inner child work, I highly recommend that you do. This connection can be made through practicing guided meditation, reading about how to foster your inner child, writing letters to your younger self, or working with a therapist.
18 - Spend plenty of time in silence.
Noise can be numbing. Noise can be over-stimulating. Silence can be scary. I notice sometimes I avoid silence because I don’t want to have to face hard feelings or thoughts that rise up when there is no other distraction. That doesn’t serve me. There needs to be silent space to be with what is deep within us.
19 - Make your life more sustainable.
There are so many changes we can all do to live more sustainably. This year I switched to bar shampoo, conditioner, and face wash instead of plastic bottles, bought most of my clothes and furniture secondhand, used cleaning products that I buy as small concentrates and add water instead of new bottles each time, borrowed and loaned clothes for events instead of buying new things, picked food items with the least amount of packaging. You don’t have to make those same choices, but make some.
20 - Don’t let the right people go.
I moved across country last year from Colorado to North Carolina. Before that, I moved from New York to Colorado. I’m sure many of you have moved many times in your life, or had other circumstances that have separated you from people you were once close to. Of course we lose track of people through life, that is normal and healthy. But there are some good ones, we all know them, who are worth making that extra effort to stay in touch with. Make that phone date, buy that plane ticket, mail that birthday gift. Keep track of the people who matter to you.
21 - Don’t get bogged down by comparison.
Social media does us no favors here! It happens organically in the world, too, that we compare ourselves to others and it can activate our inner critics telling us that for whatever reason we do not measure up to that person. A practice that I have found useful to combat this is when I notice that I am comparing myself to another, I offer that person a blessing in my mind or compliment them in person, and then I offer myself an acknowledgement about something related. It brings me back to a place of kindness for myself and for others.
22 - Practice intuitive eating.
Take care of your body and eat in ways that serve you and nourish your physical being. I’m no expert here, but a very helpful book about this is called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. You can find it here.
23 - Don’t just go to therapy. Go to the right therapist for you at this time.
Therapy is wonderful, healing, challenging, and more. It’s the relationship with the right therapist for that person is what really makes the magic happen. My hope for you is that if you go to a therapist who you do not gel with that you move on! Find someone who is a better fit. And don’t be afraid to give your therapist feedback on what is or what is not working for you. Try therapists with different approaches to have new therapeutic experiences, too.
24 - Have hobbies.
As adults it can be so easy to work, take care of our household, take care of our families, go to social gatherings, but not really just go do fun activities and pursuits that we are interested in. I started pickleball this year (yes, I jumped on that bandwagon), and I LOVE it. It’s so fun and social and energizing. Try a new hobby, or pick up something you used to live that you haven’t made time for in a while. I think may add some playful energy in your life.
25 - Talk kindly to yourself.
Talk to yourself how you would talk to your best friend. Tell yourself the truth when you need to hear it, but hold yourself as the amazing person that you are. Offer yourself gentleness, words of affirmation, positive feedback. If you do not talk kindly to yourself, how can you expect others to?
26 - Cherish your body.
The older I get the more I try to not take my body for granted. Sometimes when I am hiking I put my hands on my legs and thank them for the strength they have to get me up the mountain so I can see beautiful views. There is so much messaging in our culture that our bodies need to be altered - thinner, leaner, stronger, whiter, etc. Our bodies deserve to be worshipped, appreciated, and lovingly cared for.
27 - Read new genres.
It can be educational, interesting, and FUN to read new genres. I always thought I didn’t like thrillers because they were too scary. I’ve been on a thriller kick this year (not only in books but also in movies and podcasts) and it’s been really enjoyable to get into something different! Pick up a title that you wouldn’t normally go for and give it a try.
28 - Ask for help.
Last Thanksgiving I was supposed to host my in-laws and realized that there was just no way I had the capacity to do that while I was working and in graduate school. It was weirdly hard for me to ask my family to come up with a different plan because that is all I could handle. They did! We went out for Thanksgiving and it was relaxing and lovely. Ask for help in big ways and in small ways. From your family, from your friends, from a professional. We cannot do this all alone, y’all.
29 - Be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable is hard, scary, terrifying. Or it can be. But being vulnerable and sharing your real self and your real shit, and being seen in that is powerful. Then having someone trust you enough to do the same, is the most connecting thing in the world. Speak your fears and you will be less fearful. Share your loneliness and you will feel less alone. Vulnerability is what it’s really all about.
30 - Communicate directly.
How many times have you been invited to something and then they say “but you don’t have to come,” and you are left wondering if that person wants you to come or not. Or how often have you mentioned how much is on your plate and felt surprised that nobody offered to help lighten your load? Indirect communication is confusing, and doesn’t typically help us get what we need. Saying things like “I need help with this,” “I’d really like you to be there,” “I can’t afford that, is there another option?” etc. are all more clear and efficient than beating around the bush.
31 - Don’t let things fester.
As a person who struggles with confrontation, I relate to the impulse to “not saying anything” or not wanting to “rock the boat.” That rarely works, right? It builds in us, eats at us, becomes more complicated the longer we sit on it. Don’t let things fester. Confront what you need to confront while it’s fresh and relevant. It helps prevent resentment toward others and anxiety for yourself.
32 - Appreciate what you have.
You probably hear it all the time, but the practice of gratitude is life-changing. Stop to notice the small things that bring you joy, that are beautiful, that are life-giving. Be grateful for the people and things and experiences that make your life full. In a world where we are messaged to always want more, the best antidote is to appreciate the goodness we already have.
33 - Know you are worthy.
You are worthy. You are inherently worthy. You possess natural goodness. That will never change.
34 - Love yourself.
The more you love yourself, the more you are open to receive love from others, and the more you can offer love to others. At the end of the day, it’s you with you. You are the only constant in your own life. Love yourself.